Unbothered

I used to pour my heart and soul into my work, striving for perfection and often working myself to exhaustion. I craved the approval of my supervisors, wanting my work to be a reflection of my dedication and capabilities. However, working for the government has shattered that illusion of meritocracy.

Despite my hard work, I've seen promotions go to the "cool white guy" who exudes the same charm as a high school quarterback or a fraternity president. It's a disheartening reality that good work is often rewarded with more work, rather than advancement.

Climbing the mountain in my career has been a grueling struggle, and now, as I reflect on my journey, I'm overwhelmed by feelings of disappointment and burnout. I've dedicated myself to people and an agency that haven't deserved my efforts. My health has suffered in the pursuit of success within a system that's rife with abuse, harassment, and hostility.

Recently, I received some negative feedback, which, unfortunately, has recently become an all too familiar experience. I'm not pretending to be blameless; I honestly don't remember the specifics leading up to this latest incident. However, I do know that if this had happened earlier in my career, it would have shattered me.

But amidst this chaos, one thing has become crystal clear: I no longer give a damn.

I'm unbothered by the injustices I've witnessed and experienced. I've seen people get away with far worse behavior, and if my work suffers because I'm overwhelmed by disillusionment and the toxic environment, then so be it.

Yell at me, reprimand me – I'm no longer affected. I feel nothing, I’m so numb to anything negative that happens to me at my office because it is such a common occurrence.

The path I've walked has been fraught with challenges, disillusionment, and burnout. But through it all, I've emerged stronger and more resilient. While the sting of negative feedback and the weight of systemic dysfunction remain, they no longer have the power to break me. I've learned that self-worth isn't tied to external validation or a broken system's approval. My journey continues, not in pursuit of perfection or accolades, but with a newfound focus on preserving my well-being and finding meaning beyond the confines of a toxic workplace.